i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
