There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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