Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
