Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
