i think i have two assholes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
