If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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