Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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