Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize