dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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