I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
