haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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