one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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