it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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