Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
