Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
