i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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