I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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