I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
