i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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