I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am available for nakedness
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
