On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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