I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
