you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
