I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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