I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's never too late to be topless.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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