and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i out mim tonsoeep
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