she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
did i walk over a car last night?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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