Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
