Umm I'm too high to move.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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