I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
