don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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