I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
