Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
