I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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