Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
