Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
