He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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