I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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