My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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