My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
