sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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