I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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