Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she told me i tasted like america
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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