I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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