Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
