After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
