There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
