I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
