ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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