I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
