Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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