That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
