he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
