Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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