mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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