I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
