Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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