im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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