omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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