i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
