My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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