I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
