If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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