Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
