I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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