I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
