she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
